days ago i spent a whole afternoon sitting in front of my laptop, trying to write a message to stop one of my friends' from suicide (not that i could). three and half a hour later i found all these big theories about why killing herself is wrong are so weak. and all i could come up is "...plz don't do it". 

i think in some ways i kind of agree with what she thought about the her life. sometimes, actually most of the time, people suck, they are cold and selfish and "the world only cares about what can be squeezed out of you".... It's just not worth staying.

so the message wasn't sent, and in the past few days, what she said is sticking in my head and depresses me... a lot. i can't help wonder why some people struggle against famine, drought, disease and whatsoever, while some other people have everything those poor ones ever dream of but what to kill themselves. im not judging here, seriously.

finally i felt maybe i should talk to my parents about it, hoping they might give me some advice to cheer her up... you know, considering they are "older" or  more "experienced" or whatever. not that i was too drunk to think clear about what a BIG FAT STUPID decision it is. 

the first sentence i heard from my mother is "what kind of friends you've had?! you should keep away from those people." like she is a germ or sth. Suddenly i hate ME. what a stupid fuck i am! like ive NEVER EVER known them.

Still im a bit shocked.

My mother has cancer. she goes through the all depression things and i see how she talked to all our relatives and her friends, and been helped. and this is what she had. not even showing a little compassion or understanding. my father, on the other hand, asked me what was my point to brought it up, to tell some news? then he talked quite nicely about it at first. he even said that i could invited my friend over if i wanted to (yeah, easy to say, like hell i'll believe him) then he start to ask me why im so interested in those "weird staff", accusing me about my morality to make gay friends and how disappointed about my friend circles and my worldview and blah blah blah...

apparently we both think each other as an arrogant asshole. only i didn't say it out aloud. at the end of the conversation, i admitted that i might be the lowest person in the world as he said and i just don't give a rat's ass. i have no desire pursuing their recognition for whatsoever. (which i think is not entirely true at this point, other wise i wouldn't be so pissed off… anyway im working on it~)

i feel lucky somehow, you know: im not gay, i didn't tell them she is gay. (im not that drunk)

but the problem is still unsolved. i still don't know how to comfort her, i haven't heard from her for days, and she's probably dead already.

maybe she should just kill herself. you know, if she feels nobody love her, nobody needs her... or she needs nobody. she should totally go for it. those poor people i mentioned above, they should do it too. they're just too poor to get a good education to be smart enough to realize they actually mean nothing to me or my parents or the world. besides their lives are miserable, they could go to a better place, really. what, you think im cold and selfish and unhuman now? you think differently and you are such a kind person so that you can feel good about yourself? like the world will become a better place because you are so nice?

now, im still staring at a empty message board... my head is hurting like a bitch, and nothing useful is coming into my mind so far...